I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
