Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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