I feel great
I just peed on a car
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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