she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
