I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
