Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
