you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
