dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
