i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
