i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
