i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
