just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
