watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
