I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
