i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
