do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
