I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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