Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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