I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
