At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
