whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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