after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
