You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My feet surprised me
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