My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Randomize
