I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
