Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
