Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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