Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
A+ Viking dick
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
