Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
