my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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