Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
