this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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