I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
