I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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