I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
