I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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