I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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