Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
