i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
