I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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