I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
