I haven't been this sober since birth.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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