I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
