i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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