What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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