I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
