i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
