Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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