He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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