organizing the empties. That sober.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
