Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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