I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I stole a fireplace last night.
Can I color on your dick again?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
